Ungula Simiam or the Monkey's Paw
by AWildeRomantic
Summary: Rodney and John learn to be careful what they wish for. Or at least to be careful because the Ancients had a sense of humor. Though even after three wishes that don't quite turn out the way they wanted, things aren't all that bad. McShep and Others.


A/N - This is a version of the story _The Monkey's Paw_ by W. W. Jacobs, done in a very fun, wacky Atlantis style. There's a surprise ship in here, but to tell you would ruin part of the story :D So sit back and enjoy!

* * *

"Well, look on the bright side, at least there's civilization on this planet." John Sheppard squinted around at the bustling market square with its wares for sale, brightly colored tents, and people staring at the four strangers who had just entered the scene. They had been hoping for something a little more advanced than a culture that was only just starting to experiment with steam power, but it was something. And what they lacked in technology could always be made up for in information. He hoped.

Rodney didn't seem nearly as impressed. "If you can call this civilization. I seriously doubt these people have ever seen a ZPM or anything even remotely related to it."

"Still. Any civilization is worth investigating. Let's spread out." John strolled towards one of the stands, whistling softly. By now the natives had gotten used to their presence and returned to their daily activities and the four newcomers were allowed to mingle without too many strange looks.

Grumbling to himself about a waste of time, Rodney pulled out one of his scanning devices and switched it on. His look of annoyance turned to one of mild surprise as a small energy reading appeared on the screen. He followed it to one of the stands towards the back of the market, where an older man was selling a rather eclectic collection of, well, junk.

"Is there something you are looking for?" The man asked, peering at Rodney over the top of the book he was reading.

Rodney was busy poking around. "I was just...uhm...aha!" he pulled out what had to be the source of the energy reading. It was small, vaguely scepter shaped with three dull stones set in the top. But the writing on it was definitely Ancient. Rodney waved the object before the man's face. "What is this?"

"Ah, that, my friend is a very special thing. It was taken from the nameless temple, and is known simply as _Ungula Simiam_."

"And what does it do, exactly?" Not that Rodney honestly expected him to know.

But the man chuckled in the mysterious way that old men tended to do, and leaned forward. "Do you see those three stones? They represent wishes. The _Ungula Simiam_ will grant three wishes to its bearer. However, you must be warned to be careful what you wish for, for there are always unforeseen consequences."

Yeah, the man definitely _didn't_ actually know what the device was for. But the fact of the matter was until he got it back to the lab, Rodney didn't know either. So he just smiled and nodded politely at the man. "That's great. How much do you want for it?"

* * *

"So you brought this device back even though you have no idea what it is?" Sam asked, eyeing Rodney warily from where she sat behind her desk.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Please, I honestly don't think there's anything to worry about. It's hardly giving off any significant amounts of energy."

"You said it had writing on it." Sam continued, still giving Rodney an apprehensive look. "Did you get someone to translate it?"

"Just about everyone who knows Ancient here looked at it and they were only able to piece together a few things of what it said. Apparently it's some strange form of the language that no one can really figure out. But as far as they can tell it says something about the coming true of dreams or hopes or..."

"Wishes?" John put in. He'd been perched quietly on the corner of Sam's desk for the past ten minutes, and was starting to get antsy for Rodney to cut to the chase.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "As I've said before, Sheppard, I seriously doubt this thing can actually grant wishes."

"Well, whatever it does do," Sam said, putting an end to the possible argument brewing, "is what you should be figuring out, Rodney. Just be careful, the last thing we need is you blowing up the science labs."

"When was the last time I..." Rodney began, then stopped when he saw the looks on his two friends' faces. Waving one hand dismissively he grabbed his tablet and strode out of the room.

John turned to give Sam a bemused look which she returned with an eyebrow raise. Compared to the past couple days this was positively exciting, but both officers were praying that the current state marked the top of the excitement level. John may have been complaining just the other day that he wanted something interesting to happen, but he _had _meant interesting as in someone deciding to start up the Atlantis Olympics, not as in everyone being blown up by an Ancient device that was smaller than a baseball bat. With a little half-shrug he slid off the desk and went to bother Rodney.

* * *

"So this thing grants wishes?"

Rodney let out a highly exasperated huff and looked up from his laptop. "For the last time, I _highly_ _doubt_ that this device has the ability to grant wishes. Now how many times am I going to have to repeat myself?!" He made an unsuccessful attempt to grab the device from Ronon's hands. The satedan merely raised his eyebrows.

"So if you're getting so annoyed, why don't try just saying 'I wish everyone in the city would be less stupid'?" Ronon suggested. He glanced to his left at John and the two exchanged grins.

"Because that would be completely controdic..." Rodney stopped mid-word, staring down at the device. One of the three previously dark crystals was now glowing a pale blue color. "What did you do?!"

"He made a wish." John elbowed Ronon and snatched the device away, holding it up at eye level to peer at the crystals. "The guy said you get three, right? Well looks like Ronon's taken one."

"It doesn't actually grant -"

John squeezed the handle. "I wish McKay would successfully get together with Colonel Carter."

"Oh, ha ha." Rodney stood up, leaning over the lab table to punch John lightly in the arm before taking the device back. "Well you know what I wish sometimes? That you, John, would just go...poof." He made a vague gesture with his free hand, supposedly simulating the act of vanishing suddenly, though judging by the looks on John and Ronon's faces, he didn't do a very good job.

The three men fell silent, staring down at the _Ungula Simiam _where it now lay in Rodney's open hands. Atop the small scepter, all three crystals were glowing and the thing was emitting a low humming noise. One of the computers next to Rodney beeped.

"Huh, that's funny..." Rodney squinted at the screen, setting down the scepter. "It's emitting a strange energy signature. Similar to what it was doing before, only about five times stronger."

John, seeming to have lost interest in the device, yawned loudly and made a show of looking at his watch. "It's late, Rodney. Why don't you get some sleep and try to finish this in the morning? I don't think it's going anywhere even if it does grant wishes."

Reluctantly Rodney nodded, pushing the device aside and pulling his laptop to him. "Right. I'll go in a second, I just want to finish writing a note to my sister..."

* * *

Weeks passed and Rodney eventually all but gave up on the device. Though at first it had been giving off a stronger energy reading, that soon died down and nothing else spectacular happened, so he set it aside in lieu of more important things. They did return to the planet, but the man who had sold it to them wasn't there, and no one could tell them where he'd gone. Things on Atlantis picked up and other missions occupied Rodney's mind, that is until he was called down to the control room to receive an incoming message from the SGC. He was rather surprised to see his sister staring back at him from the video screen.

"Jeannie!" he gave her several slow blinks. "Hi."

She looked tired and rather angry, which couldn't be a good sign. "Hi."

"So...uhm...what's new...?"

"I'm coming to Atlantis for a while," Jeannie said flatly. "I know you didn't ask, but they said there's always room for another one of us and at the moment I just really need something to take my mind off things..."

Rodney stared at her, his many-leveled mind working at top speed to try and figure out exactly what the hell she was talking about. A few weeks ago he _had_ sent her a message saying casually that it would be nice to see her again, but this rather delayed response certainly wasn't the one he'd been expecting. "Uhm...that's great. But why are you so -"

"Pissed off?" She was bristling in a way that Rodney hadn't seen since they were young. "Oh, you don't even know, Mere."

"Obviously. So why don't you tell me?"

She surprised him again, then, when her expression abruptly changed from one of zealous annoyance to utter despair. Jeannie looked down at the floor and sighed heavily, wrapping her arms around herself. "Kaleb and I are...well things got really bad. It was horrible for Maddie especially so we decided to just...end it while we still could."

"Oh..." It took a few minutes to register in Rodney's mind exactly _what_ they were ending, and then it hit him like a ton of bricks. "Why...? What was happening?"

"I have to go. I'll tell you when I get there." She didn't even give him a chance to reply before the transmission ended.

Rodney gaped at the blank screen for a few moments, then, slowly, he turned and walked down the hall to Sam's office where she was staring intently at her own computer. Sam glanced up when Rodney entered and smiled lightly.

"Jeannie's coming." Rodney said quietly, still trying to work his mind around the whole thing.

Sam nodded. "I know. The SGC already informed me. She's planning on staying for a couple weeks, which surprised me a little..."

"She and Kaleb are getting divorced." Rodney blurted, abruptly. A few years ago he might have been overjoyed to hear that news, but the look on his little sister's face had convinced him otherwise. "She said she needed to get away...I'm still kind of...shocked, you know?"

Eyes widening slightly, Sam nodded. "Yeah...wow, that's really...that's too bad. Don't they have a daughter?"

"Madison. Yeah." Rodney made a vague gesture with one hand. "I should go make sure there are quarters set up for her or something..." He said goodbye to Sam and slipped out of the room, still trying to figure out exactly how this had happened.

* * *

For the first day she was there, Jeannie sat in her room and refused to talk to anyone but Rodney. Then she started coming to meals and helping out in the science labs, and things quickly fell into a pleasant routine. She didn't talk about the divorce except to say that Maddie would be staying with Kaleb's parents while everything got sorted out.

Things started getting really weird the same day that Jeannie finally started smiling again.

"You know, look on the bright side," John said offhandedly to Jeannie as the team all sat around a table in the cafeteria finishing their lunch. "Now that you're here the collective IQ of Atlantis has gone up. You make everyone smarter by your presence!" Several people chuckled at that, including Jeannie, but Rodney had a suddenly rather shocked expression.

"What's the matter with you?" Ronon asked, frowning slightly.

Rodney looked around at them all, eyes wide. "Now, call it coincidence, but think about what John just said. Everyone in the city is a little smarter."

"And how is that a coincidence?" Jeannie frowned a little.

"The wish Ronon made! That everyone here was a little smarter!"

A confused silence followed that, broken only when John finally leaned forward, raising his eyebrows at Rodney. "I thought you said that thing didn't actually grant wishes. Besides, Ronon wished that weeks ago."

"I know. Hence the reason I said it was probably a coincidence. But it was just kinda funny...in an odd sort of way."

"Wait, Mere, are you talking about that thing you emailed me about?" Jeannie glanced at her brother, frowning slightly.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah. It's sitting on a shelf in my lab right now because I wasn't making any progress with it. But this was just...strange."

John laughed and winked at Rodney. "Well, maybe with any luck the next wish will come true also, assuming you remember what it is."

Rolling his eyes, Rodney glanced over to where Sam was eating lunch with Jennifer and some of the other members of the medical team. He sighed and tried to decide how much trouble he would get in for telling John where he could shove the precious _Ungula Simiam_.

* * *

"_Jeannie Miller please report to the control room."_

Jeannie glared at Rodney from over the top of her laptop. "Didn't you tell them it's 'McKay' now?"

"Uhm, yeah, but I didn't exactly broadcast it to the entire city. Tell them yourself when you get up there." Rodney huffed and tried to remember where he'd been in his program.

Nearly forty-five minutes passed and suddenly Rodney realized that Jeannie hadn't returned. Just before he called up to the control room, however, he glanced at his watch and realized she had probably gone straight to dinner. Loath as he was to leave his current project, Rodney's stomach gave an almighty rumble that just couldn't be ignored. With a sigh he tucked his tablet under one arm and headed up to the cafeteria.

Jeannie was sitting at a table with Teyla and Sam, and the three women looked up as Rodney walked over. He smiled wearily at them before setting his tray down next to Teyla's, and sliding into a seat himself.

"Finish with that program yet?" Jeannie asked.

Rodney looked up with a spoonful of potatoes halfway to his mouth. "No. And no thanks to you."

"It was my fault, Rodney," Sam admitted, exchanging a slight grin with Jeannie. "I ran into her when she was on her way back down and dragged her off to get some food."

Rodney gave her a look that was worth at least a thousand words. _Oh you diabolical mastermind. First you come here and be my boss, now you're sabotaging my work. You don't deserve to be so good looking._ "Right. Well, if you don't mind, we really do have to finish that program up after dinner."

Sam nodded. "Of course."

It might sound like a horribly wretched thing to say, but as the next couple days passed Rodney became increasingly irritated at his sisters newly found good mood. When she was angry and distraught she focused on her work and nothing more. Now she was working out in the gym with Teyla and slipping off to do God-knows-what when Rodney could have sorely used her help in the lab with the hyperdrive modifications he was working on. Not that he, the great Rodney McKay, couldn't manage without his little sister, but she did lend another set of hands. A set of hands that actually understood what they were doing, unlike Fumbles McStupid who somehow managed to erase part of the troubleshooting scenario Rodney had designed.

The program did get finished eventually, however, and Rodney was grateful for that. It was nice to finally put the last bracket in the code and close his computer. He stood, stretched, then went off in search of John to see if his friend would join him for lunch.

Walking into the gym, Rodney paused just behind a pillar when he heard laughter. Peering around he could just make out Teyla, facing in his general direction, and about half of Sam's back, the rest hidden by the bulk of the pillar. Teyla was smiling.

"Well, I am glad that you have decided to take that final step," Teyla said, reaching out to lightly touch Sam's arm.

"Mhmm."

"And when are you planning on speaking to Rodney...?"

Sam laughed nervously. "Well, as soon as I can work up the nerve. It's not an easy thing..."

"Of course. But I am sure he will be happy."

Rodney's heart jumped into the back of his throat. What? . . . WHAT?! All his doubts about the _Ungula Simiam _suddenly decided to jump out the window. Maybe it really was working. After all, Ronon's wish had come true, in a way. So maybe John's wish would come true as well.

Rodney was beginning to regret wasting his wish on something as stupid as wanting John to vanish.

Teyla said her goodbye and headed off in the other direction. Rodney was just debating whether or not to take the next step and go initiate a conversation with Sam when she stepped forward a little, and to his surprise Jeannie moved from where she'd been standing on Sam's other side, hidden from Rodney's view. The two women faced each other, neither glancing in Rodney's direction. He pressed into the shadow of the wall, hoping they wouldn't see him.

"You really think Rodney will be happy?" Sam asked, raising her eyebrows at Jeannie.

_Of course I'll be happy. _Rodney thought, leaning in a little closer. _I'll be ecstatic. She knows that._

Jeannie, however, rolled her eyes and shrugged. "In the perfect world Mere would be happy. But it's _him. _Seriously, Sam, how do you honestly think he's going to react?"

_Sam? Since when are they on a first name basis?_

Sam stepped forward, putting her hands on Jeannie's shoulders and leaning in a little closer. "You're sure I'm not pushing this too fast?"

"You're not." Jeannie looked up at Sam, then reached up, cupping the side of Sam's neck with one hand and brushing her thumb over the line of Sam's jaw. "You don't even know how much I need this right now. Someone who loves me and understands that we need to do the things we do. The science and saving the universe...how important that is..." she laughed softly. "Not to mention someone's who's incredibly gorgeous."

Slipping her arms around the shorter woman's waist, Sam took another step closer and murmured, "You're pretty gorgeous yourself, you know." She smiled, then tipped her head to the side, brushing her lips against Jeannie's.

Rodney felt the bottom half of his soul vaporize. Once he'd regained motor control he turned and charged out of the gym, running aimlessly down the hall looking for John. When he finally located the lieutenant colonel, Rodney grabbed him by the shirt, startling John so much that he didn't fight back.

"I am going to kill you, Sheppard!"

John blinked at him. "Whoa, buddy, what's the matter?"

"You screwed it up! The one chance you had to make me the happiest man alive and you completely fucked it up!" Rodney growled, eyes narrowing. "So you'd better pray to God that the third wish comes true and you vanish before I get a chance to murder you."

"Rodney! Hey! Calm down!" John managed to pry Rodney's hand from his shirt. "What are you talking about? What did I screw up?"

"When you made your wish! You said 'McKay', not '_Rodney_ McKay'!"

John blinked. "So...?"

God that man could be dense sometimes. "She went and got with the wrong McKay! I just saw Sam kissing my little sister!" Rodney was breathing heavily and he wondered vaguely if he wasn't having some sort of attack. "Do you even know what that's like? Seeing the woman of your dreams being a total trollop with your little sister, of all people?! And it's all your fault!"

John stared at him, working hard to keep his expression neutral. Then he snorted, and burst into laughter. Somewhere in there he stuttered out an apology to Rodney, but he was still laughing a minute later until Rodney stepped on his foot.

"This is not funny! And I'm still waiting for you to vanish, by the way."

"Yeah, well, I don't think it's going to happen." John shrugged apologetically and the two continued walking.

His anger seemed to dissipate then and Rodney made a despairing noise, looking down at his feet. "It's just...wrong, you know? And besides that, way to have my dreams crushed. Jeannie was always the spoiled one and now she's got something I've wanted for longer than she's even known about the Stargate program!"

"Well, there ya go, Rodney." They came to a stop in the lounge area near John's quarters. "You've known Colonel Carter for years now and she's never expressed an interest in being more than your friend. Maybe this is a sign that you should start focusing on someone who does actually love you."

"Too late for that, I already pushed Katie away," Rodney said, sighing as he plopped down on one of the couches. "And I know that I had a beer with Jennifer, but...I don't know. That doesn't necessarily mean much."

John sat next to him, perching awkwardly on the edge of the seat. He gave Rodney a strange look.

"Unless you meant that as a hypothetical someone." Rodney glanced at him.

Suddenly seeming serious, John shook his head. "No. I didn't mean that hypothetically. You are loved, Rodney, more than I think you realize."

"Yeah yeah, loved in the way that a friend loves another friend, I know the deal. The ideas sweet, John, but it's not exactly what I meant." Rodney sighed heavily, then after studying the expression on John's face for a moment, his eyes widened. "But...that's not what you meant either, is it?" he whispered.

"I don't know what I meant," John grumbled. "Frankly I don't know what the hell's been the matter with me lately. And honestly, Rodney, I'm sorry about making that stupid wish, ok? And even if it had come true the way we thought it would I'd have been sorry...because I wouldn't have been happy for you...I'd have been pissed..."

Even Rodney, who constantly bemoaned John's good looks, wouldn't have guessed the man could make baring his soul look sexy. Yet here he was. Rodney scooted a little closer, cocking his head to one side. "Pissed as in jealous pissed?" Was John Sheppard _blushing_?

"Yeah, just about." He seemed really nervous now and kept shooting little glances up at Rodney.

"This is horrible!" Rodney cried, suddenly. "God damn it, Sheppard, why didn't you say something sooner?!"

John looked rather taken aback. "Sooner? Rodney I only just...Though if it's so horrible maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all..."

"No no no no no," Rodney could tell now in his panic that he was babbling. "This is wonderful, John, this is amazing, you know I always was attracted to you...but now we have to hurry up and do something before you vanish...because stupid me just had to make that dumb wish now and..."

"Rodney! I'm not going to vanish, ok?" John laughed, putting a hand to Rodney's cheek for a moment. "Think about this, Mr. Logic. Have any of the wishes come true exactly the way we thought they would?"

Rodney sighed. "No, and that's the reason this mess started. But what else could my wish..." His voice trailed off for a moment as he stared at John, slack-jawed. Then he began to laugh hysterically.

"What?!"

"I...I...I made you gay!" Rodney spluttered, still cackling. "I mean, my wish! It made you gay!"

"Now how do you figure that?"

"Poof, John, its a slang term for a gay man!" Rodney wiped the palm of his hand over his eyes. "I heard those two Australian guys down in botany teasing each other with it. Isn't that great? Hah! I wished for you to go poof and you did...It must have been something to do with the subconscious idea that the only reason I've been going after Sam so much is to overcompensate for the fact that I do occasionally feel attracted to other guys..." And crap, he'd probably said too much. Not that John would really care at the moment, or anything.

John rolled his eyes, putting his hands on Rodney's waist and trying to coax him closer. "Ok, now I just think you're stretching it."

"But who cares?" Rodney grinned up at him.

"Eh. At least we know the Ancients had a sense of humor."

* * *

"So you're saying that all this stuff happened because of the device you brought back two months ago?" Now Sam was giving Rodney a really skeptical look yet again, and while he would much rather be lecturing her for seducing his little sister, he forced himself to answer.

"Yeah, it's too much of a coincidence not to be."

Jeannie, who was standing all-too-close to Sam, frowned and folded her arms over her chest. "It still doesn't make any sense. I mean, your explanation does, but how could that device make all this happen?"

"It didn't." Sam said abruptly and everyone looked at her.

"With all due respect, Colonel," John stepped forward. "Like Rodney said, the pieces fit together too well for it to be a coincidence."

Sam shook her head. "I'm not saying it's a coincidence. I'm saying it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Think about it." She looked up towards Jeannie for a moment, then back at Rodney. "You sent a message to your sister about the device, and in it you mentioned something about her coming out here for a while. Because of that message she got in a fight with Kaleb about her coming out here so often and not being home to take care of Madison. That's what started the problems with those two which brought Jeannie out here. And as for the crystals lighting up, they could have very well been an automated response to the word 'wish' or even some other physical change in whoever was holding it."

"So that explains the first wish. But what about the second one that resulted in you two..." Rodney gestured at his sister and Sam, then said begrudgingly, "...hooking up?"

"Well," Jeannie reached over, resting a hand lightly on Sam's shoulder. "I was upset and feeling rather unwanted because of the divorce. Sam came to talk to me and make sure I had everything I needed and we just sort of...clicked. We do have a lot of things in common, if you haven't noticed."

"Ok ok!" Rodney waved one hand. "But what about John?"

"Oh, well that's purely your fault for being so damn attractive." John replied matter-of-factly.

"Huh." Rodney grinned, seeming to swell with pride, then linked his arm through John's. "So, lunch?"

"Before you go, you two," Sam called, motioning for them to wait. "And actually this goes for everyone. Just to be safe I want that device locked up and no one to make anymore wishes with it. I know I said it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but we don't need any of those either."

"Yes, ma'am." John nodded, smirking. "Can we go now?"

Sam smiled. "Yeah, you're dismissed."

* * *

"Look at that." Rodney said, eyeing the _Ungula Simiam _as he prepared to put it away for good. "The crystals are all dark again. It must have some sort of automatic reset."

John rested his elbows on the table. "You know, it's a shame Colonel Carter forbade us from making any more wishes on it. I was going to say something along the lines of hoping everyone lives happily ever after."

"Yeah, but with our luck that would involve you mysteriously getting pregnant." Rodney said, laughing.

"That would just be weird."

"I like kids."

"Me too, but lets leave the actual incubating part up to the women folk, ok?" John chuckled. "But I will admit it, looks like you were right about that one, babe."

"I wish I heard that one more often." Rodney smiled and tucked the _Ungula Simiam _into a padded box. He stuck it on a shelf and both men headed out of the lab once again, neither of them noticing that one of the three crystals had begun to glow again.


End file.
